(Typically, the legal process is foreign and unfamiliar to the parties. This fact alone can produce more anxiety and frustration, since they are forced to abandon previously familiar methods and strategies to solve problems, while being forced to comply with legal principles and rules that are alien to them. To learn more about the legal process of divorce, see the legal divorce process.)

      A family law case always involves people who are undergoing a great deal of personal turmoil and family crisis. Parties' perceptions of reality are often distorted since their view of “reality” may be filtered through the emotional lenses of anger, fear, and hurt. The chaotic change of an interpersonal relationship is often frightening and stressful to both parties.  At The Guerra Law Firm, PLLC, we understand the dynamics of divorce and the emotional roller-coaster that our clients experience.

      Early in the representation, we encourage the client to discuss the problems that led to the divorce.  We have found that gathering information about the historical events of the relationship is helpful for determining the future needs of the client. Sometimes, after an initial conference, we, or the client, may believe that marriage counseling, rather than divorce, is appropriate. Even if marriage counseling is not appropriate, we may still encourage our client to seek, not marital, but divorce counseling to help him or her work through the emotional trauma of the divorce. 

      As a client, it is important to remember that you are seeing the current crisis from an intensely personal and limited perspective. It is often helpful to remember that there is both a history and a future to the "crisis relationship." We try to help you see the current crisis from a less emotional perspective, so you will be better able to assess your options and analyze the impact of current decisions on the future. When children are involved, you must understand that divorce does not end the relationship with the children’s other parent, it merely requires a re-defining of that relationship. Thus, the current crisis is a mere "snapshot" of the relationship frozen in time.  This crisis will end, and the manner in which each party decides to handle the crisis will affect the re-defining of the relationship.  Oftentimes, well-meaning friends and relatives provide improper advice to the parties.  When this happens, we try to direct clients to useful resources to help them gain a more objective perspective of the changes in their lives.

      Essentially, a divorce involves the restructuring of the relationship. We call this the divorce process of “Uncoupling”. This uncoupling process has distinct stages, all of which have emotional components to them. The uncoupling of the relationship occurs on various levels: the psychological, economic, parental, community, legal, and psychic levels. By analogy, the major life change of divorce is like a death in the family and the loss of financial stability all rolled into one. Virtually every person who goes through a divorce passes through these emotional stages while "uncoupling" their marriage: 

♦ THE PSYCHOLOGICAL UNCOUPLING - At some point in the relationship, both parties comes to the realization that the marriage is over.  This includes the decision of the "leaver" to leave, and the acceptance by the person who is "left" that the marriage cannot be saved. This stage usually occus before the physical separation, but it can occur weeks, months, or even years before the parties separate. Normally, one party will complete this stage long before his or her spouse.  The psychological uncoupling is characterized by an emotional distancing from the other party. During this stage, each party struggles with mixed and ambivalent feelings about whether the marriage can be saved. This is always the first stage of the process; the next several stages can come in a varied order.

♦ THE ECONOMIC UNCOUPLING - This stage pertains to the financial status of the parties, both now and in the future. This stage, too, involves decision-making through an emotional, self-concerned set of eyes. Each party begins to realize that soon he or she will become solely responsible for his own economic destiny. Therefore, each begins to look for a method to restructure financial obligations to be able to live without the benefit of, or responsibility for, the support of the other. It is an emotionally vulnerable time, with conflicting emotions of fear and freedom as the client seeks financial self-preservation and self-reliance. In addition to feelings of fear and freedom, the parties' financial decisions may also be affected by feelings of guilt over the breakup of the marriage.

♦ THE COMMUNITY UNCOUPLING - This stage of the divorce uncoupling process involves the restructuring of social relationships that the parties have enjoyed throughout their marriage. Whether the social relationships involve extended family members, or simply mutual friends, the parties will have to deal with the impact that the divorce has on their mutual acquaintances. At the time when divorcing couples most need their friends for support, many parties perceive their mutual acquaintances as abandoning them. This is not unusual since the mutual friends will either take sides with the other party, or, more often, refuse to take sides in order to try to preserve relationships with both parties.

♦ THE LEGAL UNCOUPLING - The legal uncoupling stage includes processing documents in a manner that will satisfy the legal and procedural requirements for divorce.  It also includes the process of obtaining information about the assets and debts of the parties and negotiating appropriate terms for dividing the community estate and for ensuring the best interest of the children.  In this stage of the divorce process, an experienced family law lawyer can help protect you from entering into an unfair agreement. As your lawyer, we will also handle the technical details of drafting legally sufficient and enforceable documents. To the client, the legal stage may be frustrating and scary.  However, anxiety can be reduced by consulting with us frequently during the divorce process. We will explain the process and we will provide insight and advice to help you make informed decisions that will affect or determine the ultimate outcome of your case.

♦ THE PARENTAL UNCOUPLING - When parties have children, the divorce process requires the parties to re-define their roles as co-parents of their children.  It may take months of trial and error to arrive at a satisfactory routine and shared parenting goals for your kids.  The way each party decides to settle parenting disagreements will have a big affect on the children.  Normally judges will approve agreements parties make concerning the children. When the parties are not able to come to agreement, the court will impose a solution. When this happens, it is likely that neither parent will be completely satisfied with the result. Therefore, unless there is a major health or safety concern, the children are often better served by negotiating a workable agreement between the parents.

♦ THE PSYCHIC UNCOUPLING - This stage of uncoupling is always the last stage of the divorce process and often occurs months, or even years, after the legal divorce is finalized.  This stage occurs after all of the emotional feelings between the parties have been dealt with and played out. Anger is gone; grief is gone; guilt over a failed marriage is gone. Psychic uncoupling occurs when the client finally stops entertaining even the most remote possibility of a reunification of the parties. It is at this stage that the party is finally able to view the other not as an adversary, but as a previously significant player in the shaping of one's life. It is the time when the real cooperative negotiation between the parties can, and, in the case of children, often does, occur.